The politics of moving

You'd think moving to a new house would be easy, you look at listings, find a place that is available for rent, check out the place and make a decision. It's just not so easy, at least not in India, when you're married to an Indian and when you already live in the apartment above their house.

Last week we had to go downstairs (my in-laws live in the apartment below us-it's a 2 story apartment complex) in an arranged meeting kind of way and break the news to them. It was not easy, because I knew my husband hated hurting his parents, and he knew this kind of news would do that. We're only planning to move 2 to 3 km's away from them, and when we told them so, they insisted it was too far. They want us to live in the same colony (means the same as neighborhood) in walking distance. In my opinion I think that is unrealistic. Especially since the area we currently live in is very busy, very loud and very dusty. It's not fun to finally get Yasmine settled down for her nap, only to have her woken up by loud blaring horns, a huge transport like truck or just the man on the street selling onions, or whatever fare there is that day, screaming at the top of his lungs.

The problem is, here in India, the son, especially once he is married usually moves in with the parents. But we are not a regular couple, we are half of a western couple. And where I come from, my parents were practically packing my bags at 19 to get me off to University. As hard as I know it was on my mom and dad, they knew in the end it would make me stronger, more mature and into a responsible human being. I see grown men here, still being treated like children by their mother's, and I just think it only hinders them. Daughters are taught to cook, clean, sew, take care of the house so that they are prepared to leave the nest, such as the saying goes that having daughter's in India is like watering someone else's plant. They are even educated women, and many choose not to work once married. I have met some many women quit their jobs because they were getting married. Which is terrible, and now that I have a daughter I am much more vigilant of this kind of attitude and behaviour. I will not have my daughter grow up to serve her father and brother (should she have one), and I will not prepare her for a life of taking care of her husband either.

My father-in law, is ready to "get his daughter" married, and she is all of 20 years old. They have no problem with her leaving the nest, but they have a huge issue with their son moving a few km's down the street.

Now that we have made the decision to move, my husband's mother is hurt and makes comments like, "you're all going and leaving me," "you don't care about me," and so on and so forth. It's really hard to hear her say these things, because I do care deeply about my mother-in-law and I hate that she think this is about leaving her. Secondly, I know this is hurting my husband, but he has agreed to this because he knows it is what is best for "our" family. Trying to get my MIL to understand that this is not about her and it is not personal is really difficult.

We are moving because we would like a nicer place, that is safer, cleaner and a little less busy for our daughter, and she has to come first from now on in our lives. We found a place that is a gated community which means there are security guards and a gate around the apartment complex. It is brand new, and they are even building an outdoor swimming pool and a park. It has also has a third bedroom, which is important since I will start working from home shortly (more on that in another post).

It's been difficult getting past all of these little idiosyncrasies, but we know in the end it will be the best decision for our family. And I know my MIL and FIL will come to see that it is the best decision, especially for their son, who will be able to take responsibility for his family and not rely on his parents anymore. We'll have to make a concerted effort to visit often and to show them we aren't gone away, but the effort has to be two-fold, and they need to make an effort as well to come and see us. It is more difficult for me to pack up all of Yasmine's things and to constantly move back and forth with her, especially now since I have her on a pretty good schedule.

This has just been another learning experience for me and I am a better person for having gone through it. I just take for granted sometimes, the things that seem so easy in Canada and so straightforward. In India nothing is that straight-forward and there is always someone else to think about.

Video: Speed boat ride

Yasmine and I went to the zoo with a few girlfriends and we went on a speed boat ride. Here is the video of Yasmine's first boat ride! We had a blast!

Yasmine eating rice cereal for the first time!

I went to visit the pediatrician today and we got the green light to introduce solids. Yasmine eats frequently and so he thinks it is time for a little more food.

So we started her off with a tsp of rice cereal and 2 tsps of breast milk. We weren't sure how she'd like it, but boy did she ever love it!!! She cried when she ate all the cereal and she was using her own hand to help feed her.

We took 2 videos, one of Junayd and I feeding her and the other of aunty Ayesha feeding her.

Enjoy!

A question of belief

The question I have is: Should I compromise my beliefs in order to make someone else comfortable, or am I just being stubborn?

I posted this question on my facebook status because I am asked to do things in India that I don't always agree with. I know that a lot of the time it would just keep the peace and doing it would probably make everyone else happy (except me).

Here is the most recent example and the reason why this question even came up in the first place.

Disclaimer: This is just my opinion, and since it is my blog I will write about my own feelings and beliefs without feeling guilty about it.

I dress like a westerner, jeans, t-shirts, sweaters (you know the attire) and most Indians dress in India wear, salwar kameez (click to see image), now when you look at the picture there is a scarf around the girls arms this is called a dupatta, typically this is worn in front to cover the shape of the breasts. Muslims especially wear this and cover themselves. My mother-in-law and SIL both wear this attire and dupatta, at all times. My MIL has specifically asked my husband to have me wear more Indian clothes and to wear a dupatta even if i am wearing western clothes she would prefer me to wear a dupatta over my breasts to cover my shape. My husband has told her no, and that no one was asking her to wear jeans and t-shirt so it was unfair to ask me to wear Indian clothes.

Ok, problem solved right....wrong. Every time there are visitors my MIL asks me to wear a dupatta over myself, so to essentially take a pashmina and wrap it in front over my breasts. Firstly, it is really hot and putting on more clothes makes me so uncomfortable, but I'm not that petty, it's the reason behind the covering myself up that bothers me. Which brings me to my question of beliefs.

Muslims believe (and it states in the Quran) that all men are lustful and can't control their urges, and that the only man who should be able to look at a woman is her husband, father, and son. Which is why a lot of women chose to wear the burqua when outside their home. Now not ALL Muslim women choose to do this, my MIL and SIL don't, but my FIL's (father-in-law) side of the family almost all wear this.

My grievance is that basically if a man looks at a women like me in western clothes and gets lustful thoughts, then it is my fault because it is my responsibility to cover up. He can't help it, he was born to be lustful and it was my fault since I was showing "my curves." I have even heard the argument that there is way more rape in western cultures than in Islamic countries or in India because women cover themselves. Now this is a whole other blog entry, but I have three things to say about that, first, it is never a woman's fault, she can be walking around naked for all I care (although I do not advise this), a man still does not have the right to rape her. Secondly, rape probably happens much more than people think in those countries, but the incidences are never reported. Women could get stoned to death or lose their honour if this would happen. Thirdly, rape is rarely ever about the sex itself rather than the power that comes with raping, so the woman could be wearing snowsuit and still get raped.

So this brings me to tonight. My husband called me on his way to work and I could tell by the sound of his voice he was about to tell me or ask me something I would not like to hear. My in-laws were having visitors over, my MIL's aunt and her son. Now my MIL is pretty modern and her side of the family usually is as well. Getting back to my husband, well he knows me so well and he knows about my convictions. He said, "mom pulled me aside and told me to ask you to cover yourself up tonight when you come down to greet the guests" Without hesitation I replied "no!"

"But Shelley, my aunt is really religious and I know you don't like to wear one."

"Well then your aunt can wear a dupatta, if she is religious then she should wear one. Why should I have to go against my beliefs to make her comfortable? I dress pretty conservatively, and the top i am wearing buttons up to my neck for crying out loud and it's so loose you'd think my body was lost in here"

He was pretty pissed off with me, and I guess I can understand why, he doesn't really see the big deal since he was raised to see all his family dress like that, but I know he understands how I feel, we have spoken about it many many times. I think he feels caught in the middle sometimes. But his aunt's son lives in the United States and she has visited the US several times. I am not the first westerner she has seen!

But the words my mother told me rang in my ears, she said to me after I married him to "never lose who I am or to change anything for anyone because it makes them uncomfortable." She also told me I was an amazing girl and that she knew I would do the right thing, but to never compromise who I am.

I know this might seem petty to a lot of people, and I know a lot of you are probably thinking, just put the damn scarf on and keep the peace. Let me tell you, I have done it so many times for his family even though I didn't want to. And I still do it, I wear Saree's to functions to keep everyone happy and I even wear dupatta's when I am going to other people's homes who are more conservative. But since I became a mother, I want to teach my daughter to stand up for herself, and also that she should not ever have to dress in a tent. There is a difference between flaunting your tatas and ass to the entire world and wearing nice form fitting classy clothes. I want her to know that if a man looks at her, it is not HER fault, it is his fault, and honestly, whoever said that having a guy admiring you for being pretty or having a nice shape is a BAD thing? In Islam it is a bad thing, because the only person who should be admiring you or looking at you is your husband. I mean how archaic does that sound? Women in the west don't get married at 20 and 21 like a lot of the women here, so that would mean a loooong time of no one being able to look at you!

People and sometimes these are strangers, are always asking and telling my husband to "make me wear a dupatta" and i think a lot of the men think he can't control his wife. I will not be controlled. One time while waiting to see the doctor for Yasmine, a Muslim women told my husband in Urdu that he should really get me to wear Indian clothes and speak the language. My husband told me this while laughing, but I know it annoys him too. He has told me several times he loves the way I dress and he wouldn't ask me to change a thing!

I just don't agree with covering yourself up to appease someone is the right thing to do. People stare at me on a daily basis here, a lot of it is curiosity, some of it might be lust, but I think if you repress a society as soon as they see something different (a white girl in shorts or a knee length skirt) they are going to stare. But if more people dressed less conservatively eventually with time it will become accepted and less people will stare. Again I reiterate when I say dress less conservatively I mean showing your arms and legs not walking around half naked.

So I guess my question is, am I being too stubborn??? Should I just do it to make everyone else happy?

NB: People have said on my facebook wall to find a compromise.....and I have. I dress in very loose shirts and always wear a tank top under my tops in order to cover any of my cleavage even though it's 45 degrees here in the summer, when I normally would never do this. I have definitely changed the way i dress in India because it is a different culture. I feel like I have compromised and I am trying to take the culture into consideration. I just hate that I am always being asked to change or do something different because others have an issue with it!

Video: Yasmine rolling over

Here is Yasmine rolling over from her stomach to her back! I am surprised I was able to catch it on video, it took some time, but it finally happened!

Family events and feeling single

There are so many family events that I have to attend, they are usually for people I barely know, or a distant relative, or a a cousin's friend wedding. The protocol for such events are weird, and I am expected to attend with the entire family. A few weeks ago it was a wedding, last night it was a bismilah (more on that later), and tonight it is an aqueeqa for a 2 year old girl.

Last night's function was for a 4pr 5 year old boy, and the party was held because he would start learning to read the Quran. The Quran is in Arabic and therefore the boy would most likely need lessons in Arabic from a tutor or perhaps from his own parents. This religious event could possibly mirror a Christians first communion when they begin to accept the Eucharist.

The events are all very very similar, they are usually held in a function hall, you dress up in traditional Indian attire (sarees and salwar kameez) for women and (kurta pyjama) for men. The difference with Muslim events is that they are usually segregated. Which means I arrive at the event with my husband, daughter and in-laws, and I go into a separate room with my mother and sister-in-law and daughter and my husband and father-in-law go into a separate room. Every event usually involves a stage of some kind, whether is be the bride sitting up there or the 5 year old boy, etc... And then afterwards, you go into a room where the dinner is served. These functions all happen after 8pm and you don't usually eat until 10pm, and most happen on weekdays.

Now I really dislike these functions because they feel cold and impersonal. I remember as a little girl, my parents getting dressed up and going out together, and in my mind that vision did not include them going into separate rooms. It entailed a fun night out for them where they could bond and spend time together. So that is why I hate these functions. Yasmine and I are usually the dog and pony show, where we are starred at all night. It's uncomfortable and having my husband with me would make it easier.

But, that is the life we live over here, and there is not much I can do about it. The functions don't happen all the time, and they seem to happen all at once. One more function to go tonight........

Yasmine talking

This is Yasmine talking to her toys!