I'm back

I know, I know....it's been over two months since I have written and i don't particularly have any good excuses why I haven't been keeping up to date. And it's funny because something happens everyday that is different or interesting and I always say, "I really need to blog about this" and then I never end up doing it.

So for this first blog back I'll just share some updates and then hopefully this will entice me to continue writing a few times a week, since I know a lot of the stuff I am encountering is all noteworthy!

Updates:

Yasmine:

It is unbelievable how much my little girl changes everyday. Being a mother to her is the one of the greatest blessings in my life and I am thankful.

From the time she was 2 months I KNEW and my father KNEW (since we lived with him the first 8 weeks of her life) that Yasmine was going to be an early talker. If you know me you'll know I am quite the chatty Cathy, but she just had this want, or need to talk from a very early age. At 16 months old she is talking A LOT! She picks up a new word or 2 everyday and repeats everything she hears (within reason). She was saying mama and dadda around 7 months old, although used ineffectively, she said the words but didn't really know when to use it. When we went to visit my dad, she said Grandad (at age 10 months) and started saying it within a week of being back to Canada. Even now when she sees my dad on Skype and says Grandad. Now she probably has a vocabulary of about 40 words, and she also has her favourite words of course, "puppy, shoes, water, mama, dadda, no"

It's just amazing to see her progression, and when she saw my sister tonight, she remembered from the pictures we look at DAILY of my family that it was her aunty "shar shar"

In other news, Yasmine and I have joined a mom and toddler playgroup that is everyday for an hour and 15 minutes. We usually go about 3 times a week, and there is a lot of singing and clapping, and learning small concepts like open/close, in/out, yes/no etc... We also have picnics and outside play time. It really stimulates her and gets us out of the house. She gets bored with just me all day, and I honestly need the change of pace and scenery as well. After just 2 weeks I've noticed a huge difference in her vocabulary and creativity skills. This playgroup is also another way for me to meet other mom's with children around yasmine's age. The class is for 1-2 year olds, but the babies in this class range from about 16 months-22 months. Yasmine is one of the younger toddlers, but she does great in the class. She focuses intently on the teacher and loves to sing!

INDIA:

I have and always will have a love hate relationship with India. There are days where I am thankful to have this great opportunity and adventure that I will remember always. And there are other days when small things that should be easy become difficult and it brings me down. Things have been much better since my 3 month "vacation" at home and I know the weather plays a huge role in my being happy here too. The winter has been fabulous and all the expat mom's are taking advantage of the 26-28c days to get out and enjoy the coolness for as long as it lasts. I already feel the temps getting hotter and they are now hovering around 30 and it just makes me dread the March-June heat of 35-45c. It's just unbearable, especially with the power cuts.

Family:

My family in India is good. Hubby is working and has shift changes so he could be working from 630pm-330am or 9pm-6am, or 9-6pm. he works for a company that has dealings with North America so he has to work North American times. They actually work well for us, since he actually gets to see Yasmine more with the night shifts. When he works days, factoring in the traffic he is gone usually from 830am-730pm. So he is getting home just as Yasmine is getting her bath and going to bed. Today he spent a good portion of his time before work with her, which was really nice for all of us!

i actually remember my dad working the "graveyard" shift when my sister and I were teenagers because it allowed him to see us and be part of our extracurricular activities more. Since in high school we had afternoon practices and such, he chose to work the odd hours to be with us more. I never thought about it then, but I know he definitely sacrificed sleep for us a lot in those days. He would get home at 530am and go to sleep by 6am and sometimes wake up by 9 or 10am.

My family in Canada is well. My sister has gone back to work and her son in in daycare now. The poor little guy has gotten sick so much since he started, being around all the kiddie germs. My sis and her husband have had to deal with a sick little guy the past few months. Just when one cold goes away, along comes another.

The biggest news, is my dad has a girlfriend, although it seems weird to call her that, because girlfriend/boyfriend sounds so high school. It's still new, but my dad finally has a smile on his face for the first time since my mom died. Life was so awful for everyone that year after my mom died that I think all of us just didn't know if we could or would ever overcome our grief. And for my dad, losing the love of his life, the woman he spent 40 years with was devastating. So when he told me he met someone, I was so happy for him.

People ask me how I feel about it, and really, what can I feel? I just want my dad to be happy again.

Lastly a very special man in my family's life is very sick and has been given a short time to live. He is my grandmother's "partner" whom she met after my grandfather's death. He has been in our lives for about 5 years and has touched us all deeply. He is like a grandfather to me, and has treated me like a granddaughter. He even paced the floors with my dad while I was in the hospital in labour for Yasmine. He is one of the smartest/wisest person I have met, and he at 85 years of age, had dreamed about visiting Asia, so he booked a plane ticket to India with my dad, and brought me and my 2 month old baby back to India. He met my in-laws, my husband and saw what my life is like here. There have only been a select few people from Canada to meet my husband and in-laws and he is one of them! My in-laws grew to love this kind, gentle man, and they pray for him everyday.

The hardest part, is not being home. But know grandpa Fred, you are in my thoughts, you are in my prayers, and I love you dearly.

More focus

I think that I want to revamp my blog and make it more focused. I started out writing so I could keep my family informed of my travels, and things have changed so much since those wanderlust days. For one thing, I got married to an India, had a baby and raising it in India, and in that I think I have enough material to be able to write for a lifetime.

I have so much stuff to talk about and to write about and I have decided that I want to do this more seriously, as I know there are a lot of blogs out there with gori girls writing about their desi lifestyle. To translate (basically it's western or fair skinned girls, married to South Asians).

I want to be more open without being offensive, and really talk about life here in India, life married to an Indian, raising a baby in not only a different culture but in a different religion (and even that is up in the air...what religion to raise Yasmine). Of course my husband wants her raised Muslim, and I am willing to do that with many stipulations. But more on that in another post.

The topics i really want to focus on are:

• arranged marriages and "love" marriages
• Islam and living as a non-Muslim in a Muslim family
• Parenting in India (through my eyes)
• day to day living; simple things made very difficult in a time challenged disorganized country
• communication and cultural differences in a bi-cultural marriage (I feel like I can shed a lot of light here)
• Food and trying to incorporate two food cultures in one marriage

The the list can go on and on....

But to do that I feel like I need to revamp my blog and change the title. I may be a wanderlust, but there is no more time or as much money to travel these days. I also am thinking about moving it to Word Press, I have heard it is much easier to use and easier to make it ready friendly.

Any suggestions from my well blogged friends? Any title suggestions?

I will stay tuned for more information as to how I plan to go about this. I may just completely revamp this blog....but I want it more focused, with more of a goal in mind.

I feel like I have a terrific opportunity to educate and keep people informed. I know that many people in Canada (and the US) have these pre-conceived notions about Muslims and India, and I want to shed light on certain things that hopefully will help people gain a better understanding. The media use so many scare tactics and paint very different pictures. But here I am in a position to educate and I want to take this amazing, scary, exciting and difficult experience and turn it into a chance to make a difference.

My mother-in-laws birthday and my first dinner party

It definitely was not planned, but I had my first family dinner party on Saturday night for my mother-in-laws birthday. Junayd and I were originally planning to buy fresh prawns and stay in with Yasmine and cook something fun. I have never cooked and cleaned fresh prawns before so this sounded like a challenge.

Our plans went out the window on Friday when my FIL reminded me that it was Junayd's mom's birthday the next day and that we should go over there for supper. Wow such a nice guy, inviting all us to his place, so his wife, whose birthday it is, can cook us dinner. LOL.

Junayd and I decided it would be better and easier to come to our place and we (I) will cook dinner. We also decided to invite close family friends of Junayd's who have 3 children ages 10, 8 and 4 (2 boys and a girl).

So Junayd bought 3 pounds of Prawns, and 2 pounds of beef and I set to cooking one Indian dish, and one Thai dish. I was so nervous, here I was cooking for 3 matriarchs (my MIL, our friend and her MIL) who have grown up cooking Indian food and I only just started. It was a pretty big feat.

Cleaning the prawns took the longest... I had never de-veined a prawn before, so it was interesting. Luckily Junayd did help me and after about 40 minutes we managed to clean all of them.

I made a beef dish that is cooked with this green leafy vegetable, and I never ever remember the name of it. It's like spinach, but not. We don't have it in Canada, but it is so tasty. Then I made spicy prawns in coconut milk.

I had told my guests to arrive at 630pm, knowing full well that they wouldn't arrive until about 730-8pm. The time thing here drives me crazy. My MIL and FIL arrived first and she was dressed so beautifully in a saree that I had bought her for Christmas. She just looked so happy to be honoured for her birthday and to be with her family.

The food turned out amazing! With the food I served fresh roti's and basmati rice to go with the prawns, and of course we had a small chocolate cake that was bought for my MIL. I got praised over and over again for the food, and not a drop of the Thai dish was left. Most Indians don't eat a lot of variety (international cuisines) so it was nice to introduce them to a new dish, although the spices were not too far off from Indian ones.

The best compliment of all was when my mother-in-law asked me for the recipe. Success!!

It was a really nice night and it was great to be with my other family. I think before I had really come to terms with living in India, I I never enjoyed being with my in-laws because I missed my own family so much, and felt almost guilty for enjoying being with them. However, it does not have to be one way or the other. I have my family and always will, but now I have an extended family and it's great to be able to have a support group here who loves me and Yasmine. I think I truly am lucky to have not only an Indian family but a Muslim one as well, who has accepted me and my beliefs and my culture so well. Sure there have been a few hiccups, and bumps and bruises on the way to this kind of relationship that we have now, but now it is comfortable and easy, and I am truly grateful for all the love I have in my life.

The moment I knew

You hear all these stories about women having their babies and feeling that mother's instinct right away, having that bond only a mother and child could ever have. I know what that feels like, but it didn't happen right away, it didn't happen the moment I looked into her eyes. I loved her, definitely, I wanted to protect her, always. But that bond, that undeniable, sacred bond, I didn't feel for about 2 days after she was born.

The labour was pretty textbook as far as births go. My water broke around midnight September the 16th (2 and a half weeks before my original due date) after returning from the movie "The Time Travellers Wife," with my aunt and my cousin (ironically enough, the two people who coached me through the labour and birth). Despite what you might see in the movies, only 10% of women's water break by itself, so in that sense it wasn't textbook. I was admitted in the hospital and it wasn't until the next morning, after I was given Oxcitocin did true labour set in. My plan was not to have any drugs, no epidural, no Demerol, nothing. I know a lot of women go into labour with this plan, and depending on how the labour goes, decide to continue or abandon with this plan. Labour is pretty intense, and if it lasts long, I can totally see why needing an epidural is essential, you need to rest, because it is the most physically intense thing a woman will ever have to do in her life.

The first 2 hours, the labour increased from about a 2 on a scale of 1-10, to about a 7. When I found out that after 2 hours I was 7cm dilated, I knew I could continue without any drugs. The last 3 cm's and about 2 hours were a 10 on a scale of 10 in pain (maybe even a 12), and I was relieved when I could actually start pushing through the contractions.

After about 45 minutes of pushing and an episiotomy later, Yasmine Rose was born.

My first thoughts were that I was just so happy that the pain was over, my second thought was that "I had done it," I felt like superwoman! Then Yasmine was placed on my chest and she was covered in white goo, and her face was so swollen, and she had a head full of black hair. I was so shocked that she was mine, and I loved her instantly. But I did not feel that bond, quite yet. I am not sure if it was because of the physical exhaustion, or the mental exhaustion I had been through the previous 3 weeks of finding out my mother had cancer, flying half way across the world at 34 weeks pregnant, dealing with her being in the hospital and watching her die, and then planning her funeral. I had no time to recover from any of that trauma, before being admitted to the hospital myself, to give birth. I was numb, literally and metaphorically from everything I had been through.

The next day and half passed by like a dream, nurse her every 2 hours, try to sleep, etc... Then Yasmine had her hearing test on the Friday September the 18th.I didn't think anything of it, and I knew it was an important test, but also a formality. She failed the hearing test, but I was told it happens a lot, because of the mucous that still may be in her ears from the birth canal. The ear specialist told me she would come back on Saturday morning.

Saturday morning arrived and I was lying in bed, waiting for the ear specialist to give us the green light to go home. We had to stay until Saturday morning because this test needed to be completed before we left.

The specialist did the ear test, and Yasmine failed again. My heart almost stopped. How could this be happening? Was God trying to play some cruel joke on me. Taking my mother 13 days earlier then blessing me with a child who might be hearing impaired? Perhaps, most people wouldn't have thought this way, but after everything I had been through, that was the first thought that went through my mind.

The ear specialist told me that there was one more test, that was more accurate, but a little more invasive that she could do. She had to strap on electrodes to yasmine's head and behind her ears and it was attached to a program on her laptop. In all honesty I was not paying much attention. Her words sounded like slow motion and all I did was nod and agree for her to do the other test. She said it was more accurate, but she didn't do this test unless she had to.

My aunt Anita was in the room with me, and I could see her looking at me funnily, and afterwards she told me it was because I turned white as a ghost and I looked petrified.

As the specialist strapped the electrodes all over Yasmine's head, I have to admit it felt like an eternity, I could hear the clock loudly ticking on the wall as each second passed, and I reached for my aunt's hand and I held it firmly. What seemed like hours passed, when the hearing specialist slowly turned the laptop to face me and the words PASS were printed boldly on the screen.

In that moment, like a lightbulb had been turned on, those feelings, that motherly instinct just clicked on. I started to shake violently, and tears poured down my face. I remember saying over and over again "I've been through enough, I just wanted Yasmine to be ok!" I remember apologizing profusely to the specialist, because I think I may have freaked her out. My aunt calmly explained to her what I had been through, and how my mother had just died and my husband was in another country. The specialist, started to cry, and she held my hand and she said, "Your daughter is just perfect. Your mom would have been so proud"

I looked at my aunt and I asked her, "Can you please pass me my daughter." For the first time, the word "daughter" registered to me, and along with that word, came a whole new set of feelings. The need to protect her, love her unconditionally, always be there for her. It was the first time I truly felt this.

My aunt handed me Yasmine, and I held her to my chest and I hugged her and kissed her and I cried, and I cried. Now I knew. Not only did I know what that bond felt like, I knew how much my mother loved me, and how much she sacrificed for me.

That day was the beginning of my healing process..........

A part time job with major benefits

Today I spent about 3 hours in the car (about an hour and half each way) to meet with a company that would like me to be a consultant for them. I would get to work from home for a few hours a week and help them build their business.

Although the drive was long and tedious and the sun was hot (thank God for air conditioning), it was a nice drive, and the company was in or nearby the military zone, which was nice and quiet with a small but pretty lake (unfortunately most lakes in India are polluted). The guy I met with said he went kayaking in the lake once and wouldn't go back because it was "dirty"." Nonetheless, it was a much better view than a whole bunch of traffic and much more serene than incessant honking.

This little part time job, although it doesn't pay a whole lot of money, is perfect for me, for right now. It allows me to make my own hours, stay at home and continue to be with Yasmine during the day, but still make a little pocket change for odds and ends.

Instead of looking at the negatives, I am trying to see all the positives that this opportunity can bring me, such as being with Yasmine, making some good employment connections here in Hyderabad, all while keeping myself busy while Yasmine naps or goes to bed for the night.

I am very thankful to be able to spend this time with Yasmine, as I know how important it is to the both of us. Being at home and raising her has proven to be the most important and rewarding job I have ever had. There are no breaks, and no days off, but I can never get this time back with her. I hope it truly makes a difference in her life, because it definitely is making a difference in mine.

"The secret"

I know that everyone pretty much already knows the "secret" in the book "the secret," and really it wasn't really that much of a secret, although I think even though we all know what the secret is, we mostly don't tend to follow it.

The secret to life, supposedly is, that positive out, equals positive in. Meaning that the more positive you are about life, the more optimistic you are, the more you believe in yourself and look at the bright side, means that these things will happen to you, or that you'll create a positive outcome.

I mean this does make sense. But if it makes sense why don't more people do this? I am a classic example of this. I have done so much complaining this last year that no wonder there haven't been very many good things that have happened for me. I mean if you're too busy being negative, then how can you create positive change in your life, or bring positive people into it?

Which is why I am going to give myself a challenge. I am going to write something positive and be positive everyday for 2 weeks and see what happens.

Now you have to be realistic about your goals, you can't say I AM GOING to win the lottery everyday and expect to win it. But you can say, in 2 years i will make a lot of money (this is relative to everyone and very subjective) by writing a book. And then everyday doing something positive and continuing to be positive about this goal. This is just a broad example.

Here are some things I can be positive about that are realistic and hopefully change the lives of the people I love and me.

• Being positive and finding the positives about living in India
• Being positive about my husbands career and helping him to achieve his goals through positive reinforcement
• Being positive in my own career aspirations and making them a reality

I think this is a great start...and let's see at the end of 2 weeks if I feel differently or if it has brought about positive changes in my life.

It takes way more energy to be negative and I know a few people that I have actually seen positive behaviour work in their favour.

My best friend A, went through a tough time with her hubby when he got sick with cancer. And she was ALWAYS positive, she always knew he would beat the odds, she didn't let negativity take over her thoughts. I truly believe this is what gave her the strength to be there for her husband. And now he is cancer free! Did her positive behaviour cure his cancer?

No. I'm not an idiot. But through positive thinking she allowed herself to be there for him, and it allowed him the strength to fight. I do believe our mind controls way more than we could ever know. Thanks for being someone to look up to A! Your positive attitude is infectious, which is why people, including me love being around you.

I also have another friend who was the epitome of negative. She was so negative, being around her was difficult and depressing. She constantly complained about her dating life, how men weren't interested in her, she never let you talk to her about your own dating experiences because hse hated that good things might be happening to other people. She complained about her job, etc.... And she wondered why no man wanted to be with her, why no employer wanted to hire her. She was portraying this attitude that was so evident in her body language, and it showed through in her confidence.

Then something changed, she decided to change, she opened her mind up to new things, stopped bitching about how things weren't working for her, and decided, who needs a man, who needs a different job, and she just focused on herself.

Then it all happened for her. New boyfriend (she has been with for a while), new job, house, etc.

So let's see how this can work for our benefit. I challenge all of you to be as positive as you can everyday, follow along with me, and find something to focus on and find the best in for the next 2 weeks with me and let's see if we can re-wire our minds!

An apology...

My mother always said, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it all. So that is what I have done. The past year has been such a roller coaster for me, grieving the loss of my mom, being a new mom, and living in India while dealing with all these emotions. Now I feel like I can finally share my feelings, thoughts and life with everyone.

I think I honestly felt like I hated India, that perhaps I didn't want to be married if I had to do it in India (not that I didn't love my husband), that life just basically stunk because of India. But now I KNOW that was grief and depression. I always thought I was so strong, and I am, but I know now that I am also human, and that your mind can only take so much. I thought this past year that I have dealt with my mom's death really well, and that it didn't affect me as much as it should have. But I was wrong, I was so so wrong. It affected me more than I ever imagined, but also the added pressure of having a new baby and the happiness and joy that came with it as well, masked the feelings I was carrying around with me.

I heard a saying once, that applies to me in this situation, and that, you never know you are depressed until you are happy.

I'm happy. I'm finally happy after a year of anger fits, and crying battles, and hate towards India and everything associated with India, including my husband and his family. Not that India is an easy place to live. But being with the ones you love should be all that matters, location shouldn't make you THAT unhappy.

I harbored severe resentment against my in-laws, mostly because I felt it was unfair for them to be able to have a relationship with Yasmine and my mom would never have that, and my dad was in another country and couldn't have that either. And I know now that it was not right, and Yasmine deserves all the love she can get, and that means her other grandparents as well.

Let's just put it this way, I blamed, and I complained, and I made life miserable for everyone around me, because I wanted them to feel the same pain I felt. And the pain I felt was almost unbearable. And I know this now, it's so funny what you can see in the past when the present is finally so clear.

So this blog post is an apology, not only to the people I hurt, like my husband, my in-laws, my daughter, my dad, my sister but also to myself. I deserved the right to be sad and hurt and angry, and I never let myself feel those things, because I felt like I had to be strong for everyone else around me.

Realizing this has not only made life happy for me again, but it has allowed me to be a better mother, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law and sister.

I finally see life with possibilities, rather than a door that has been shut. I will always miss my mom, and the hurt will never go away, I just know how to better deal with it. And I know my mom would want this for me. She would want me to be happy, and to be good to myself, so that I can in turn be good to all the loved ones in my life.